The most untranslatable Swedish word

No, it's not "lagom".

It's "tjuvträna".

It's harder to explain in the UK than Cheeky Nandos is to explain to an American.

USD bank account

I have some stock priced in USD that incur a fixed currency conversion fee per transaction, and a currency conversion fee. If a stock is priced at $500 with a $25 fixed fee plus 1.6% conversion fee it's not really a good idea to sell one stock at a time, and even then there's the conversion fee.

So I called HSBC UK and asked them if I could open a USD account. Turns out they've discontinued that service in the UK, but that perhaps I could open a USD account with them in the US. Fine, doesn't matter for me where the account is, I guess.

Nope, can't do that, the next person said. I don't work in the US, so that's out.

Next they offered to open a USD offshore account with HSBC expat. We could walk through the application, and that will take about 40 minutes where they'll ask me about my income, my monthly expenses, etc.. I'll also have to come in to a branch office and show passport, UK driving license, and recent bank statement.

That makes some amount of sense... if I weren't already an HSBC customer, and they didn't already have all this on file for me already, and if I hadn't come in just last week to have them scan my driving license in addition to them already having my passport on file. But I am, and they do, and I did, and they do.

Ah, but HSBC is not the same as HSBC Expat.

Can't you copy-paste that info with my consent? -- No

Ugh. Can I do this online? Yes, I can print the form, fill it in, and come in with it and all my documents.

So the bank statement, I will get a bank statement from HSBC and then immediately hand it back to HSBC? -- Yes

Fine. HSBC is stupid, but fine.

Filling in the form I have to check a box saying I'm aware of IRS FATCA and that it either doesn't apply to me or that I've done the right things and have the right paperwork if it does. Uh... this could make my tax return much more complicated.

So I call my Swedish bank, SEB. Yeah, sure, it'll cost 300 SEK. They'll send me a thing I need to sign and then I'm all set.

Sounds painless. To be continued...

My new favourite UK hobby

My new favourite UK hobby is filling out forms in proper ISO 8601 format, and watching them struggle to understand it. (honestly people, 2014-12-24, it's not that hard!)

I feel a bit like Václav Havel when I do this.

References:

• ISO 8601 on Wikipedia
• xkcd.com/1179/

(there, a blog post done in 2014)

The broadband market in the UK is retarded

Coming from Sweden I may be biased. But how about getting the information to the customer right?

Virgin Media

They will tell you if they can give you internet, but if they say they can't provide TV you have to explicitly ask them if it's ADSL they're offering. They won't tell you, and it's not in the product information.

I ask them if ADSL is the only internet this house can get, even from other providers. They say yes.

Sky

You're expected to know that TV services require a dish. And as for "Sky Fibre Unlimited", oh dear lord. It doesn't require a dish, but they sent us information that our fibre box must be connected to a phone line that can make outgoing and incoming calls. WTF? I called them and they tell me it's optional (I'm not interested in having a land line). Fine.

The send a letter saying they've scheduled the install for 28th of Jan. Then we get another letter saying they've rescheduled the install to the day we preferred, the 13th of Jan. Turns out that was just the TV installer, not Internet.

When the TV installer comes over he says that he's sure "Sky Fibre Internet" is ADSL, and it's called "Fibre" because it uses BTs fibre backbone. When I object that Google uses fibre, that doesn't mean you can call something fibre just because it can access Google he just shrugs. Also ADSL doesn't do the 38 or 76Mbps that they sell.

So I call Sky. No, they assure me, it's a fibre cable coming in to the house. I ask "so in my house there will be a box that takes fibre in one end, and normal network cable in the other?". They say yes.

So Virgin can only offer ADSL for our place, and Sky can't provide TV. And both are retarded liars.

BT

Girlfriend calls BT to see if they can offer Internet & TV (without dish). They can. They offer the same fibre, that can give us speeds similar to what Sky offers. They say it's the same technology as Sky would offer, since it's actually BT that'll own the thing either way. Great. So it's fibre with 60-odd Mbps down? Yes, depending on the distance to the house. Wait.... wait what? No, fibre doesn't work that way. I ask "is it actually a fibre cable coming in to the house?". Yes, and it connects to the fibre modem. "This fibre modem has fibre coming in one side, and normal network cable in the other?". Uhm, no, she says. It's copper to the box down the street.

GAAAAAH!

So it seems we're getting FTTC, with some unknown copper handoff technology. (63.5/20 is not exactly what you'd call an even number).


PS:
At the previous place we had Virgin Media cable. It was actually quite good in terms of speed and services. It did have some packet loss problems though.

Dual citizenship

I have dual citizenship since birth. German and Swedish.

Neither of these countries force you to give up your citizenship when getting a new one (at least not one in the EU).

The UK will allow me to become a citizen without denouncing my other citizenships.

Muhahahahahaa.....

Your personal number is invalid

It seems that when you leave the country you also leave some databases. I'm not sure if it's SPAR or something, but I'm not in birthday.se, and I've been told by at least one service (upplysning.se if I remember correctly) that my personal number is invalid.

I'm currently failing to register an account with binero.se. The form doesn't tell me straight out, but I suspect that it's rejecting my personal number.

Binero helpfully allows me to select United Kingdom from the dropdown of countries, but insists that I enter exactly 5 digits and nothing else (well, a space is optional) in the "zip code" field. *Le sigh*

Exchanging your drivers license

Fairly pain free.

I went to DVLA in Wimbledon.

Their website said that they open at 9:00. Lies. On the second Wednesday of every month they open 9:30. Other than that it went smoothly.

Fill out form D1 (a general form for all sorts of "give me a license to drive a regular car, please"), hand it and the Swedish license to the man behind the counter and wait for them to verify your passport as ID. Alternatively you can have them send the passport back in the post when they're done with it, but as that was my last form of ID I opted to wait.

All in all I'd say it took about 20 minutes, including filling in the form and queuing.

Things to bring:

• Old license (they will take this)
• Passport (you'll get it back or they'll mail it back)
• Proof of address (they didn't ask me for this, but would be stupid to not bring)
• A photo suitable for the drivers license.
• D1 form (they have forms there, so you don't really need to bring it)
• A pen. All the pens next to the forms were just gone.

 DVLA has an interactive guide that's actually helpful.